05.08.20: From the so called desk of…

…Helen.

This week we are proud to introduce a special guest blogger Catzilla/AKA Chapelle. Please enjoy.

Catnaps and other Catastrophes

It’s 10am and my Lady still isn’t awake! My patience is wearing thin as I wait for my usual morning treat. Ever since my family has been home ALL of the time, my breakfast treat has slowly become more of a lunch-time treat — this is unacceptable. I’ve tried meowing outside her door as loud as possible, but it is futile. Scratching at the door and lunging at the doorknob has also proven to be ineffective. I’m considering headbutting the Man, maybe he’ll be willing to share some of his food. I am not above licking the bottom of a food container.

At 10:45am the Lady finally makes an appearance. I know I shouldn’t judge considering how often I myself nap, but she is totally messing up my preferred routine — I admit I am a creature of habit. I follow her to the kitchen and snake around her legs as a reminder that I need my treat. I know this annoys her to no end, but in the moment it is the only retaliation I can summon. I take note that I should explore further options, but I must tread lightly in case she is willing to share some of her breakfast with me.

Before I know it it’s 11:30am, and I’m now ready for a copious amount of petting. I can tell that everyone is trying to pretend not to notice me because no one will make eye contact. I’ve perfected the “I’m too adorable for words” look, but If that doesn’t work, I may have to try gagging. This is without a doubt a sure fire way to get everyone’s attention, and it never fails. But I must be careful not to use this tactic too often, it sometimes causes everyone to totally go bananas and start stomping their feet and yelling at me. Holy cannoli talk about over-reacting!

I check the clock on the oven and it is already past noon. The nice Lady has turned on the heating pad for me, so I can nap right next to her while she works. I remember to purr often and  loudly lest she forget that I’m in constant need of pampering. She also thinks I don’t notice, but I have a direct view of her computer screen, and can clearly see she is intermittently watching YouTube videos. Except for the occasional bird or mouse video, most of them seem rather pointless.

Around 1:30pm the doorbell rings, and since it is quite unusual for someone to ring our bell these days, everyone in the house freezes in place. My ears perk up, and in order to protect my family I am ready to hide under the nearest piece of furniture… it’s the least I can do. I am also fully aware that we have a strict house rule to never open the door for anyone unless you know them by their first name. So I watch cautiously as the Man approaches the front door, but the only thing going through my mind is “Do not open the door! Do not open the door!” Oh boy, now he’s done it, he went and opened the door. The last time he did that we ended up with an entire set of ceramic knives and a subscription to Birds & Blooms magazine. Luckily this time it was just one of our daily Amazon deliveries.

At 3pm I am preparing for my next and much needed catnap, when I suddenly hear the sound of the demon vacuum cleaner. I consider the idea of vacuuming at 3pm to be nothing short of treasonous. The sixties song Nowhere to Run, Nowhere to Hide immediately comes to mind. It’s an oldie but a goodie, and also seems appropriate during our current Covid-19 circumstances. To add insult to injury, my people have also chosen this very inconvenient time to change the bed sheets. For some unknown reason they believe that the silly little cat bed they bought me is an alternative… I think not. I am a pure-bred feline and deserve to sleep on either the couch or one of the large and quite comfortable beds. All of this hullabaloo makes me want to heave on the nearest piece of furniture.

Well time flies when you’re catnapping, and here it is already 5pm. Hopeful as always, I mosey to the kitchen to check my food bowl — perhaps there will be something other than the same old boring dry food. Unfortunately the dry food will have to sustain me for now, but my family’s dinner time is not far off, I pray that it is not vegetarian. No matter what, I stand ready to share.

By 8pm most of my daily activities are over. I’ve had a satisfying day of, napping, eating, head bumping, kneading, watching the birds, and of course grooming myself. And on that note, and while I hate to be catty, my family could definitely use some help with their grooming. I have observed a great deal of hand washing, but not nearly enough showering — their attire also leaves much to be desired. However, by and large, it’s been a very productive day, but now I’m in need of some “me time.” So tonight, while my family is sleeping behind closed doors, I will stealthily search for the catnip — I know it is here somewhere.

Ponderings

  • I’m wondering why any cat in their right mind would be horror-stricken by a cucumber. They tried it on me, but I just sniggered and walked by.
  • I wonder when my people will quit trying to wash my paws for twenty seconds or any amount of time.
  • I’m wondering why anyone would want to watch a cat video when they have me. Let’s pay attention folks.